beautiful berating...

new blog!!!

2005-03-19T22:13:00.000+11:00

Devoted Followers...

So, I just started a whole new blog. I will post the link. I like this site a whole lot better so that's why i am switching.

I know those of you who read this one will already know a hell of a lot about me, so please excuse the poor "intro" entry I started it with. It's merely for those who are new to me.

So, this site will no longer be updated. All updates will be through this blog:

http://illegal-alliteration.blog-city.com/

Come and join me on my continuous ride. I hope to see you all there soon...

Love,

~Lyssa xxx

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila PHWOAR!

2005-03-19T17:18:00.000+11:00

Well. Well. Well.

My mission to totally embarrass myself by being completely blind drunk on Tequila has been accomplished, thank you very much.

I really don't understand the appeal of alcohol. I can't quite understand alcoholics either. I admit, the idea of being a sex addict is somewhat easy to comprehend. But being addicted to alcohol? I mean, surely there are some things better tasting and with a little less embarassing side effects than alcohol, right?

For fuck's sake, I danced on a table top. **cringes**.

Anyway, I've so learnt my lesson and it is now that I realise why it is that I fucking hate alcohol with a fiery passion. Drunk people are not the most attractive and appealing to talk to are they? No. Definitely not.

If I need an excuse to slur my speech ever again, I'll just go get my tongue pierced again or something.

No more alcohol for this sobriety whore.

On a lighter and more appealing note, I am moving my tattoo appointment from the 28th March to this coming Tuesday instead. I can't wait any longer. I need the pain and I need it right this instant.

I want it.

Give it to me.

violently happy...

2005-03-18T16:15:00.000+11:00

"...violently happy... because i love you... violently happy... but you're not here..."

I'm sick. Yes, mentally twisted... but also physically today. I took the day off school. I slept through my alarm by half an hour and decided to just drive all the way down there to hand in a very important assignment, then come back home.

I can barely swallow my throat is so swollen. My nose won't stop running and I sound like a crack-whore that just swallowed battery acid. Uhmm... yeah... something like that anyway.

But not to worry. I am going to a birthday party tonight and I am going to get absolutely fucking drunk. Right. On.

I just purchased the mother of all bottles of Tequila, some limes and some fancy coloured straws. Because hey, what good is alcohol if you don't have fancy coloured straws, pretty mini umbrellas and swizzle sticks with naked mermaids on them? It's not fucking fun, that's what it is.

Also, I just bought some food colouring and made green, blue and red ice cubes. :) I'm so fucking great sometimes I can hardly believe it myself.

I know, I know... sit down, there's no need to cheer me like that. Please, just make a donation.

I haven't done a survey in such a long time. I might go find one to do before I go have a shower and make myself look all pretty and stuff :)

NAME: Queen Razzamatazz of the Dominican Republic
AGE: 21
LOCATION: Sydney, NSW
PLACE OF BIRTH: A galaxy far far away.
D.O.B: 01/12/1983
STAR SIGN: Sagittarius
HEIGHT: 165cm
WEIGHT: Wait for what?
SHOE SIZE: 10
HAIR COLOUR: Black and purple.
HAIR LENGTH: Chin.
EYE COLOUR: Green.

WHAT'S BETTER?

BRIEFS OR THONGS: Well, we call them g-strings because thongs go on feet. I'm gonna go with briefs. Preferably hipster ones and boylegs.
GUYS OR GIRLS: Women.
KISSES OR CUDDLES: Cuddles.
HARD AND FAST OR SOFT AND SLOW: Soft and slow. Today anyway.
BEING ON TOP OR BOTTOM: Top.
SUMMER OR WINTER: Winter.
SNOW OR SUN: Snow.
BARS OR CLUBS: Bars.
RESTAURANTS OR PUBS: Restaurants.
BEER OR VODKA: Vodka.
BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: Brunettes.
DANCING OR SINGING: Singing. I don't do dancing. Period.
TIGHT BOXERS OR LOOSE: Loose.
SILVER OR GOLD: Silver.
DOGS OR CATS: Cats.
PIZZA OR PASTA: Pizza.
MORNINGS OR NIGHTS: Nights.
SEX OR ORAL SEX: Well... uhmmm...
SWEET OR SAVOURY: Savoury.
HOT OR COLD: Cold.
NIGHTS IN OR NIGHTS OUT: Nights in.
TEXTS OR PHONECALLS: Texts. I hate the phone.
DOUBLE OR SINGLE: Double.

FAVOURITES: (lets see how much these have changed since i did something like this ages ago)

COLOUR: Purple.
PLACE: Snuggled between my sheets.
PERSON: Haylee.
WORD: Scissors.
BOYS NAME: Maynard.
GIRLS NAME: Iris.
ANIMAL: Brontosaurus.
FOOD: Big Mac without the meat.
DRINK: Mountain Dew.
SEXUAL POSITION: **blushes** Just kissing my girlfriend everywhere.
PLACE TO BE KISSED: My lips.
PART OF YOUR BODY: My eyes and my hip bones.
ITEM OF CLOTHING: My new pink and black underwear with inappropriate girly things written all over them.
DESIGNER LABEL: The Salvation Army. :)
RESTAURANT: Organic Orgasm.
FAST FOOD PLACE: Subway.
CHOCOLATE: Turkish Delight.
SWEETS: My girlfriend. Awww.
PLACE TO BE ALONE WITH PARTNER: At the beach lying on the sand at sunset.
TYPE OF MUSIC: Incubus, Marilyn Manson, TOOL and Dashboard Confessional (I'm so Emo lately.)
BOOK: Tully... that will never change.
MOVIE: Kissed. Wow! What a fucking film!
TV SHOW: Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours... with a little understanding... :)
PART OF PARTNER'S BODY: Her hands and her eyes.

JUST BECAUSE:::

LOVE IS: a really odd thing. It's beautiful and it's painful.
THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: genuinely laughing.
BEING ALONE IS: fantastic most of the time.
I FEEL GREAT WHEN: my girlfriend understands that Scrabble is the meaning of life and wants to play me constantly.
WHAT REALLY UPSETS ME IS: Pure happiness.
WHAT REALLY MAKES ME ANGRY IS: Not letting go enough to live the bliss of happiness.
AT NIGHT: I am at my most awake and creative.
WHEN I'M DOWN I: Slice my skin to pieces.
WHEN I'M HAPPY I: Smile and fidget a hell of a lot.
WHEN I AM OLDER I WANT TO: Be a great mother.
MY BEST FRIEND IS: Another year older right now.
ONE DAY I WOULD LIKE TO: Travel the world. See Bjork live. Stay in a posh hotel and jump on the beds.
I THINK I AM: Smoking way too much these days.

There we go... It's time to go get plastered.

silence of the world...

2005-03-16T23:02:00.000+11:00

Wearing: A black lace singlet and a pair of black hipster underwear with the words "fucking adorable" written in hot pink across the arse. Oh yeah, I'm so fucking cool.

Listening to: Medulla by Bjork.

Drinking: A can of Red Bull.

Eating: Extra Strong Peppermint Tic Tacs.

Smoking: Marlboro Lights.

So... here I sit. I just set the scene half heartedly so you could have some indication as to what's going on around me right now. What I didn't tell you is that my room is fucking spotless right now. Those who know me will understand why it is that The Single Parent hyperventilated when she witnessed its present state. I NEVER clean my room up. I prefer to live in organised chaos. Mess is great, you can NEVER have too much mess around you. It's comforting. Besides, what fun would it be if you knew where everything was ALL THE TIME? No fun at all, let me tell you...

My life is like one long treasure hunt... except I am usually searching for keys or a purse :)

Yes. I am very proud of my room at the moment. I no longer have to play hopscotch just to get into bed of a night.

I am supposed to be completing a major assignment that is due on Friday. Ooops. I haven't yet started it. Ehh, I'll do it tomorrow night or something.

I'd much prefer to sit here slouched in my chair and download rare songs by people I adore, write meaningless dribble to you lot, and sip my room temperature Red Bull.

So, I finally got a comment left on my site. Thank you whoever you are, and if you find yourself reading this again sometime soon, know that I think you should always leave me comments. They make blogging worthwhile. And to be honest, if I stop getting them, I'm gonna stop writing this blog for good. That's not a threat, lol, it's just conversation.

So, my sweetheart's not here and I am going insane right now. I just so badly want to kiss her again. I miss the intimacy of a good lip locking smooch. Wandering hands. Beautiful soft and sensual caresses of bare skin. Waking up to smiling eyes. Being told "you're the most awesome woman in this whole fucking world and I want you to have my babies and watch buffy with me every night for the rest of our lives." I miss driving with someone's hand on my thigh, and those awkward gear changes you can barely do because her hand's in the way and you can't find the strength to tell her to move it. I miss snuggling when I am tired and grumpy. I miss the sarcasm- I am a lover of sarcasm and being bageed out, as well as being the bagger too. I miss making love on a blanket under the stars in my backyard. I miss her giggling at my clumsiness. I miss us always wanting to listen to the same CD as each other at the same time. I miss her foot massages. I miss listening to her heartbeat and playing with her veins. I miss her so fucking much.

How pathetic am I right now?

I think I'll just go shoot myself already. I'm totally one of those people I used to bag out. Isn't it fun? lol.

Anyway, I guess I should go now and attempt some sleep. All these early mornings sure do take their toll on my body.

So, leave me comments every time you read my site... or I will hunt you down and shoot you between your eyes.

Sweet Dreams. XOX.

love...

2005-03-15T23:39:00.000+11:00

Dearest Readers and Nosey Passers By...

Wow. It's been so long since I've been on the internet--- since last Thursday evening in fact, which we all know is some sort of record for me.

What have I been up to? I hear you asking me... Well, my girlfriend and I just spent the most amazing 5 days together. It was extremely surreal for me and even though she's gone back to Melbourne this evening, it's only now that it's starting to sink in that she was actually here with me for so long.

In my holidays from TAFE (they start on the 9th April) I am going to take a road trip down there to be with her for about a week. It should be extremely fun :)

It's funny you know, but within five minutes of meeting her, my family were giving me nods of approval, and yet she's the most extreme and non-conformist girlfriend I have ever had. Tattoos on almost every inch of her skin, piercings in awesome places (not to mention a double tongue piercing *sigh* *grin* *giggle*), swears almost as much as I fucking do, and she says exactly what's on her mind. But hey, my family seem to absolutely adore her to pieces and even they had a hard time saying goodbye to her.

That has to be a good thing, yes?

So... she's a lead singer in a band. As if that alone doesn't just make me fucking cool by association right? She's fucking great. We have totally the same warped sense of reality, we are fucking INSANE Buffy The Vampire Slayer freaks, we adore the same music and movies and books, and both of us seem to be able to finish of each others sentences without any coaxing whatsoever.

Fuck. I miss her so much right now.

I feel so comfortable with her. I have told her things I never thought I could admit out loud, things I couldn't even tell B... things my therapist wouldn't have a clue existed inside my head.

I'm just insanely in love with her.

She gave me this beautiful silver ring and asked me to marry her. **sigh sigh sigh** So, like, I guess I am engaged in the non-traditional sense of the word. Wow- how awesome is that?

Congratulate me people, I'm engaged to the most amazing woman in the entire world.

If I don't get one comment about this brilliant thing happening in my life, I think I'll just stop with this blog, no one seems to be reading it. Or at least, no one leaves comments so I don't know if they still read it.

I'm gonna be a total housewife.

**happy dance**

I completely love life right this very second.

Please comment if you read this. You don't have to leave your name, you don't even have to make nice comments, they can be hate mail if you please... just leave me something...

Love to you all... xxx

P.S: I'm getting more work done to my tattoo on the 28th March. I'll keep you posted and paste pics up if someone leaves a comment and lets me know this is still relevant and has a point being displayed on the web.

boys and girls...

2005-03-08T01:08:00.000+11:00

I hate boys. They smell funny. They say weird things at odd moments. Did I mention they smell funny?

I love women. I love one woman. I love her.

She told me "I want to marry you and have your babies... and kiss you awake every morning"

*sigh*

This is what life is meant to be like...

ho-hum...

2005-03-05T23:01:00.000+11:00

I thought things were going great the other day... My post would have had you believe that I was coping with my life as it is right now... Well, the truth is, I am coping in the traditional sense; but I am also very far from being happy and content.

I have this awful way of conducting my emotions. It's so sad but whenever I am happiest, I am also very sad. The minute good things begin to happen to me, I get depressed and saddened and I don't quite know what to do with myself...

And, whilst I am being honest, right now I have never felt happier in my entire life. I know who I have to thank for that too, but that's besides the point.

When I have bad things happen to me, I am angry, frustrated and deeply depressed; but! at least I know exactly how to deal with that. I know what to do with myself should I begin to feel this way. They're such simple emotions to have in your life.

Hatred is such a simple emotion.

Love is so complex...

I feel more loved right now than I have ever felt before. But I cannot help thinking, "When am I going to fuck this up?" or "When will she finally wake up and realise she's wasting her time with me?"

This is what gets to me. It climbs into my skin and it itches and festers there and I can't relax. I just can't.

I'm so on guard. I'm searching in every tiny crevice for some sort of fracture in our foundation, and it's making me miss out on the beautiful moments surrounding me. I am missing the bigger picture, because I am too busy looking for the faults in the smaller picture.

I love her so much... I don't want to fuck this up... This is it, this is my chance to be with the one woman who actually wants EXACTLY what I want out of life.

My god is she wonderful... So what the fuck is she doing with me?

When am I going to wake up and find that this is all a dream?

I love you Haylee... this is my song for you...

Here In My Room by Incubus

This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in full blown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world seen from the stars
If only the lights would dim a little
I'm weary of eyes upon my scars

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Pink tractorbeam into your incision
Head spining as free as dervishs' whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl

Thank you for being that kind of girl...

migraines and manipulations...

2005-03-02T17:12:00.000+11:00

Do you ever feel like there's a moment in your life you look back on and you have this overwhelming feeling of regret, and yet no regret at the same time? It's like, it's not anything specific, it just is...

I said goodbye to B... the other day. I had started letting her go bit by bit over the last couple of weeks, but she did something one night to completely drive the nail in and make it official. I never wanted to let her go out of my life completely, I only wanted to distance myself from loving her as much as I did; but then this thing happened and now, she's gone for good.

I haven't cried over it yet. I refuse to. And to be blunt about it, I don't really feel the urge to either.

Am I a bitch?

I just don't feel sad about it. It feels odd to not have emails upon emails awaiting me, and phone calls every night, and gifts in the mail... but it just hasn't saddened me to the point of severe regret yet. I don't think it will, either.

I thought perhaps it had something to do with the fact that someone new has come into my life at a time I am so grateful for, but it's definitely not about that at all. I love this new woman in my life, Lee, and she has told me she is in love with me too (yay for reciprocated love!) but we have not yet acted upon these feelings. What is holding me back? Certainly not B... that's for sure.

The point is, I am sick to fucking death of people pretending they're not like the other people in my life, and they just end up doing the same shit they'd always promised they'd never do to me. Fuck that for a joke. I ask for one little thing, one tiny minute detail, and they decide, "Screw her, I can do what I want... it doesn't matter what she wants from me, as long as I keep getting what I want from her."

I'm here to tell you, potential acquaintances of mine, this is NOT how it works!

Stop fucking hurting me!

I feel good about myself right now. Well, as good as one with 21 years experience of self-loathing can feel about themselves.

But I kinda like who I am now. Lee makes me cheery. She has a no nonsense policy, she says what she wants to, regardless of the other persons feelings simply because truth should be told and eggshells should not be walked upon. One thing I can't stand is people always tip toeing around issues with me. Don't say something then tell me you're sorry you said it, because it's obviously what you're thinking. Grow some balls and come out with it!

She makes me smile in ways I haven't smiled before. And intelligent, oh my god is she intelligent. Not just as in worldly wise, her sense of humour is so complex that it seems only the both of us get it, and each other. She puns- all the time! I love a good pun. Humour like this is so sexy to me.

She doesn't promise me anything she can't give to me. And she certainly repects what I ask of her.

It is so lovely to belong to someone. To be someone's "Princess Sunshine". I know, BARF, right? Isn't that just disgusting? To have mushy nicknames like that... it's so unorignial and vomit worthy... but god damn it, I am so loving being part of a majority for once. Bring on the mundane madness...

It feels so delightfully wonderful to be in love... and to be loved back so equally...

improper speech and procrastination...

2005-02-23T22:16:00.000+11:00

Well... it's been a very long time since my last post. Well, very long to me anyway. It's kind of disheartening to find no requests for me to update.

I feel the love from my readers! Thanks a fucking bunch guys. No really, I know you want me to update. Admit it. You love me. You want me. You can't get enough of me.

*ahem!*

So... right now I should be midway through my assignment that is due tomorrow. Instead, I sit here in my cat-hair-marinated computer chair, typing up an irrelevant update to this blog that no one seems to give two shits about.

Priorities? I have none.

School's going great.

That was sarcasm, by the way.

I fucking hate school. All that note taking and all that assignment planning and study guides. It's enough to make one appreciate the check-out-chick work they used to perform.

But I do want to be there. And assignments aside, I know this is what I want to do. Well, what I NEED to do to get me to where I want to be anyhow. A stepping stone, if you will.

Something I have been educated on at school, besides the obvious course modules, is that people are so abusive of the English language. You may be saying "No shit, dumbass!" But it's really true. How on earth can there possibly so many millions of English speaking people roaming this planet, and yet none of them seem to know how to speak or spell properly?

Do people actually realise when they say "pacifically" that it's supposed to be pronouced "specifically"? I mean, do they actually think that they're saying it correctly? Oh my god, you have NO IDEA just how much this fucking bugs the shit out of me; and there are three people that say the word like that in my class.

What is happening to the world? Is no one teaching our children how to speak?

Here's a thought: Less Playstation, more literature!

But anyway... who am I to be telling all the Soccer Mum's of the world how to raise their offspring? I wouldn't know anything, you know, being a single woman with no fruit springing from my loins yet. It makes my opinion completely invalid.

Screw you, Soccer Mum, at least I know how to pronounce words correctly. At least my children will grow up knowing how to talk like English is their first language.

Fuck you. Is that "pacific" enough for you, dear?

And to make matters worse, I am getting a tan! After all these years trying so fucking hard to remain as pale as possible, I now have this stupid looking singlet tan happening and I am just disgusted! I. Am. Apalled.

All those years sitting indoors at my computer, fighting off the sun and any tan lines that may appear... gone! All for nothing. Two weeks at school, and I am looking like... like... like I don't know, something oddly tanned. This is what happens when you socialise and sit in the sun to eat your lunch! See, I knew it was a bad idea to talk to people.

They're bad influences... always making you go out into the UV light.

If I age prematurely, I am suing the arses off them!

Well... that's enough from me now. I have work to do and very little time to do it in.

Wish me luck... and a permanent eclipse of the sun!

2005-02-14T22:08:00.000+11:00

This is my tattoo. It's written in Ancient Greek and says "beloved" or "love" depending on whose interpretation you go by...

hmmm...

2005-02-11T21:23:00.000+11:00

I'm so tired... I can't seem to remember a time when my eyes didn't feel like there were shards of glass scratching at them each time I blink...

It's only now, while doing a whole lot of something, I realise how much I used to love doing a whole lot of nothing...

Dude, where's my life?

last minute...

2005-02-09T23:45:00.000+11:00

Isn't it funny, the assumptions people make about you before they even meet you.

This morning was my very first day of TAFE. I am one of the youngest to be taking this course. I don't mind that part really, because I cannot stand my generation. **sarcastic smile**. I always have gotten along better with people at least 10 years older than I. So, considering that out of 27 people, there are around 20 of them over 30, I thought I was home and hosed from the start.

Wrong.

It's amazing the lengths people will go to to avoid having to speak to you when they assume you're something you're not from a distance.

If I had a dollar for every time someone turned to the person next to them and whispered something about my scars, I would be filthy fucking rich!

And hey, I don't mind at all. Humans are curious by nature, so it doesn't bother me too much. But at least have the decency to engage in a little conversation with me before judging me on my external markings. You can look, you can laugh... but don't fucking judge me on them.

This one lady sitting in a group around me, was asking everyone else but me, for an answer to one of the questions. I told her I knew it. She ignored me. Went on turning and twisting in her seat to get the answer off someone, and I said "Excuse me, I can help you," and still, she ignored me.

Then finally, when no one else could tell her, she turned to me and said, "Well... what is it?!"

And I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know."

Let that be a lesson to you, Soccer Mum. I have complete respect for you, and your position in this world... but don't treat me like that. Don't ignore me. Don't disrespect me simply because I am built in a way you don't understand, or fear your children will become.

If she had bothered to just listen to me in the first place, instead of avoiding any conversation with me, she would have known that all I wanted to do was help her out with the answer.

I don't want your friendship, I don't want your time or your money... all I want is for you to acknowledge that I exist, and that I am equal to the father of three sitting next to you.

So, my plan to make no friends seems to be coming into fruition all on its own without any help from me. And now that it's actually happening when I don't want it to... it feels really lonely.

I think I'll simply take this opportunity to stick my head into a textbook and ace this class on my own. The only speed bumps I am going to hit, are group projects...

I hate being the one that people fear getting in their group.

I'm the little fat girl in kindergarten that no one wants to play with... again!

These scars? They're just skin... If I had covered them up, you would have talked to me like you did anyone else. So why treat me different now that you've seen them?

People are so ignorant. I fear for their children. I fear for their own minds.

Respect me as you would any other person in that class, and I will gladly share my answers with you.

Ignore me again, and you'll get nothing out of me.

Simple.

tangled...

2005-02-07T22:18:00.000+11:00

Due to the complete meltdown my body is experiencing right now (ie; glandular fever, an extremely painful bladder and kidney infection, and an eye popping relapse of my clinical depression...) I am not really up to making a post about something insightful and thought provoking.

Hell, I can't even be bothered to bitch and moan or be sarcastic yet. I must be sick!

Today is Monday, which we know means tomorrow is Tuesday, which then means the following day is Wednesday, which is the day I begin my TAFE course. Holy bloody hell! Tomorrow I will be saying "Oh my god, it's tomorrow". Then I shall have no more tomorrows to hide behind. It will just simply be.

To say I am shitting bricks is an understatement right now. To say I am shitting marble columns to restore the Parthenon with, would be a little more accurate.

I have no idea how I am going to convince myself not to keep driving past it on Wednesday morning. It would be so easy to just not go.

But I know that in order to have the career I so desperately want to have, I need to do this course. And I will do it. I will go in there and I will concentrate and I will do all my homework and assignments and I will study... because I want it.

And when I want something, I fight for it.

So... onto something a little more light hearted. If I keep thinking about all of that, my nerves would cause me to throw up onto my keyboard, which would be bad and very awkward to clean up.

I am going to get a tattoo this Saturday. The only reason I am going to publish this comment onto my blog is because if I make a promise to the internet community that has so graciously accepted me into their 'favourites' index... then I just might have a harder time backing out of it.

But I can safely say, that barring any emergency needs for all my cash, I will get my first tattoo this Saturday. Or Sunday, depending on when the tattooist says is a good time.

I won't tell you what it is I will be getting, simply because I hate it when you say something like "My first son will be called Xander" and people laugh at you and tell you how disgusting a name that is. Then you get disheartened by it. So, in order to not change my own mind, screw you all... I shall not give any of you fodder for insults. **insert sarcastic smile here**

I will, however, tell you that it will be a quote from one of my favourite writers, incorporated with some little things around it to frame it.

Was that ambiguous enough? I hope so...

This month I will be going to Fair Day. Yay. It's part of the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras festival, and I really like Fair Day. I have been to Mardi Gras for the last 6 years and out of all of them, I only enjoyed it once. So this year I am skipping Mardi Gras altogether and just settling with Fair Day.

I would like to get into some more things within the festival, but unfortunately I have to travel from down south on the train in order to get into Sydney and I really cannot be bothered with all those train trips and train fares.

I would drive, but I wouldn't know where to park.

So. Fair Day this year. The only change will be that I will be going it alone. Yep, just me. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I have no other choice so I guess I should just make the most of it alone, or, not go and be miserable about missing it.

Screw that.

I want to buy something rainbow for my wrist this year. That's all I am aiming for.

Anyone else out there love Fair Day?

Things I Absolutely Hate The Taste Of:

1. Banana.
2. Vomit.
3. Coffee without sugar.
4. Bourbon.
5. Those foam balls that you put into bean bags. Don't ask.
6. Eggs.
7. Seafood.
8. Blood.
9. Rum and Raisin ice cream.
10. Aeroguard on your fingers at a BBQ.
11. Kiwi fruit.
12. Tomato juice.
13. Pineapple on pizza.

So there it is. Nothing important at all, all in list format. Aren't I just fucking interesting tonight!

Where's everyone gone? I hope you're all well... wherever you are...

boredom...

2005-02-06T02:04:00.000+11:00

Can you hear that? That's the sound of me repeatedly tapping my forehead against my computer monitor... it makes this really pretty hollow sound. Thooonk! Thooonk! Thooonk!

No, I am not doing it to hurt myself, I'm just so fucking bored right now. To the point where I'm thinking about going into the kitchen to polish all the cutlery. I know, life should NEVER come to the point where you want to look after your cutlery. It's so sad.

Things I Do When I Am Bored:

1. Pick at the skin on the sides of my fingernails (quicks?) until they bleed and I have no more skin left to annoy.

2. Get the tweezers and pluck out the hairs on my legs one by one.

3. See how long I can keep my arm up in the air before it goes blue and I think it's time to take it down (record is 11 minutes so far... go on, you try... you know you want to and you know you will next time you're bored and alone...)

4. Rearrange all the books on my bookshelves so they're in order of preference.

5. Place random body parts on my scanner and document them.

6. Recite as many poems as I can think of.

7. See how many times I can touch my cat's ear and make it twitch while she's sleeping, before she turns her head to bite my fingers hard.

8. Count the number of thumbtack holes in my bedroom wall.

9. Make rude words out of those plastic magnetic letters on my fridge.

10. Run a name search on Google for everyone I know.

11. Buy an economy sized packet of M&M's and suck the coating off each one individually in rapid succession until I want to throw up.

12. Make stupid lists about what I like to do when I am bored.

13. Makes faces into the mirror to see what never to do in public again.

*sigh* I remember the days when my life was social...

...you know, kindergarten...

my first hate mail...

2005-02-03T23:54:00.000+11:00

Well... isn't this just bloody interesting.

For those of you who are like me and read the comments that people post after each entry on a blog, you will by now know what I am about to talk about. For those of you who don't bother to read the comments sections (and may you feel ashamed right now) I will post the most recent comment made on my site.

Anonymous said...
you are fucking discusting and stupid and you are going too burn in hell for doing the thingss you do to yourself. you make me sick to my stumach and you dont even deserve to be saved my Him. Jesus Christ would spit on you if He could read this trash. i hope you slip and kill yourself soon you fucking dyke!!

Well. Aren't you just a little ball of sunshine.

Firstly, how on Earth am I meant to take you seriously when you spell stomach with a U instead of an O? Send me your address, I'll send you an autographed copy of my dictionary for future hateful comments. Arsehole.

I am not looking to be saved, by the way. And if I was, I wouldn't look to Him for it. Are you one of those right-wing people that think homosexuality is wrong, yet will defend your local priest even after he's been caught in the act of paedophilia with a member of the same sex, no less? One of those preachy do-gooder types who think it's blasphemous to do drugs, yet will beat up your wife and drink alcohol until you've pickled your liver?

If you would like my opinion (and tough shit if you don't, you're going to hear it)... I think people like YOU are what's wrong with the world today. Not people like me. What I do to myself has no heinous consequences to the world around me. It doesn't effect you, so why are you stressing about this? And by the way, you would have had to read several of my entries to gain enough insight in order to write what you did. So if I am so "discusting" why didn't you just leave after the first one?

I noticed you used the word "fucking" twice in your comment. Isn't swearing, like, blasphemous or something? You should curb your profanity, mate, or I will have to save you a seat next to me when we journey to hell together.

If you're going to come on my blog site and post things about me like this, at least attack me with your intelligence and wit-that would be assuming you have any, which I highly doubt. Please back up your arguements too, there's nothing worse than someone telling you something and not being able to give you a reason why. I mean, of all the reasons to tell me I am going to hell, you chose my self-harm addiction and my sexuality. Never mind the fact that;

1) I believe in no God at all, not just yours.

2) Jesus Fucking Christ!

3) On Saturdays (The Sabbath Day) I often curse, covet thy neighbours wife and use crucifixes to unclog my drains.

4) I hate my father, and often dis-honour him by telling him, and anyone else that will listen, that I wish he would die a painful death!

5) I have committed adultery. And it was fun, your holiness.

6) I have stolen before, many things.

7) I lie all the time.

8) My neighbours wife likes it when I covet her.

9) She also likes it when I covet her goods.

So you see... I have broken 9 of the ten commandments. And all you have to tell me is that Jesus would spit on me if he could read what I do to myself. I think you could have been a little more convincing in your quest to instill fear into my soul. Oooh, I'm scared.

If you're wondering which commandment it is that I have not yet achieved, it's "Thou shalt not kill." Although after reading your comment, I am slowly warming to the idea of disobeying this rule.

I am not against religion, I am simply against people like you who believe everything that's been drummed into your thick skulls.

Jesus Christ would spit on me if he knew what I was doing? Right. Well, that's a really lovely man you will inevitably teach your children to follow. Charming. Tell me again why you would think I would ever come to my senses and learn the ways of this religion?

Does it matter what gender I choose to love, as long as I love someone and not hate? Oh, no, of course not... that wouldn't matter to someone like you would it?

Has anyone ever told you what a fucking hypocrite you are? You cannot preach something you do not believe in, and seeing as though you cursed AND used His name in vain, you mustn't think as highly of Him as you believe you do.

Why are you so hostile and bitter? The old me would have condemned YOU to hell a long time ago... but the new me... she just wants to feel sorry for you. I mean really, this is all quite sad. I'm so sorry for you being this way. It saddens me.

Have you ever been hugged?

I do not claim to be a law abiding citizen. I often do the wrong thing. I hate some people. I swear more than I know I should. I covet, I lie and I break the law... and I sometimes laugh about it after I have done it.

But I am NEVER going to live my life beneath a fictional character. Living your life fearing what may happen when you die, is no way to live your life at all. If I spent my time worrying about what is going to be waiting for me after death, I would never laugh or experience the finer things in life again. Seems sort of pointless in my eyes.

All I've ever strived to be, is a happy and loving person. The path I take to achieve this should not matter. The things I do whilst becoming this person, are irrlevant.

But enough about that... it's getting late and I am tired and I am hungry and I have been told I am going to hell... There is no need for another reason to end this right here.

Oh, and by the way... I use the Holy Bible to wipe my arse.

Amen.

P.S: You hope I slip and kill myself soon? Well, now I'm simply DETERMINED not to give you that satisfaction. Thanks for that. Bitch.

the history of my blog name...

2005-02-02T20:05:00.000+11:00

Ever wonder where I got the idea for the name of this blog? Well, it's from a poem I wrote... I was reluctant to post this poem simply because my ego is fragile and I am expecting some horrible comments to start appearing...

But hey... I want to post it... Bring on the insults...

beautiful berating...

if i carve the wounds into my arm
and watch as the blood trickles to the floor
the world gives me comfort
peace of mind
causing ectopic heartbeats

if i don't go deep enough
my chemical balance falls short of equal
i'm sad
not sad like an orphaned child
sad like one who wakes
wishing they were dead

comfort is pain, muted by reality
pain is realistic when muted by comfort
i want to tear my flesh apart
and you want to bottle my essence
yet are too afraid
to get your hands dirty
but hypocritical as you are,
you are filthy inside

i want to rip myself apart
so i shall always be reminded
that life exists in that line of crimson
but you keep stitching me back together
you keep moulding popularity statues
out of my sadistic clots

how shall i learn the secrets of my life
if its confidential whispers
are choking on my scabs?...
~Melyssa 2005

2005-02-02T00:00:00.000+11:00

This is me... The Blog Whore... I thought I might as well show my face. All bow before me... for I am mighty and... errr... evil... and... stuff...

2005-02-01T23:55:00.000+11:00

This is my precious kitty... Francys-Ruby. The owner of my wallet and heart...

dedication...

2005-02-01T22:15:00.000+11:00

Here I sit at my computer. Outside it is raining; there is perpetual thunder making the books on my shelves stumble all over the place; lightning is very obvious as it sends flashes of light in through the skylight of my bathroom. There has been a "flash flood" warning on the telly, I have not witnessed it personally, but The Single Parent dutifully informed me that it might not be such a good idea to be sitting in front of something electrical right now. Let alone something electrical that's plugged into a phone line as well.

This, my friends, is dedication. I am so intent on giving you an update that I am risking life and limb to support this random act of selflessness...

Okay... the truth is I am bored shitless and would rather risk getting fried on the spot than be sitting there by candlelight with The Single Parent whilst she lets me know all of the things I have done wrong in my life and list a thousand and one reasons why she thinks I'll never find the right person for me.

Bring on the electrocution!

No... don't call welfare... I'm kidding...

Five Things I Have Learnt Today:

1. I have an intense disliking for people that finish off your sentences for you, or repeat what you have already said. Observe, if you will...:

(upon entering a chemist and being asked if I can be helped in some way...)

Me: "Hi. I just want that prescription filled out please... oh, and I was wondering if you guys stocked the-"

Bimbo Twat Behind The Counter Of Chemist: "New Fatblaster pill?"

(well, why not just announce on the fucking PA system that I'm an overweight lazy bitch!)

(and by the way, you could use a little pill yourself lady!)

Me. "Uh... no! I was told by someone it'd be a good idea to try out some-"

Twat: "Multi-vitamins?"

Me: "No!"

Twat: "No?"

Me: "No." Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. "I'm having trouble sleeping so I thought it would be good to-"

Twat: "Oh I'm sorry you need a prescription for sleeping pills. I can't give them to you over the counter."

Me: "No that's not what I'm after."

Twat: "That's not what you're after?"

Me: "No."

Twat: "No."

Me: "Yes."

Twat: "Yes you are after sleeping pills?"

Me: "No I'm not."

Twat: "Not what?"

Me: "Not after sleeping pills!!!"

Twat: "Oh... okay."

Me: "I want something to settle my stomach, and possibly my nerves too."

Twat: "Something to settle your stomach, and possibly your nerves too..."

Me: "Yes."

Twat: "Huh?"

Me: "Nothing... I was just... never mind."

Twat: "So you don't want anything then? Not even the prescription?"

Me: "What? No... I need the script done please! And I would still like something for-"

Twat: "Sleeping? I told you I can't do that."

Me: "Argh! NO! Please can you just let me finish...?"

(both of us fall silent for a few seconds till I am satisfied she is going to let me go on)

Me: "As I was saying-"

Twat: "You can't sleep and you want some multi-vitamins."

Me: "Oh! My! God!" Rubbing my temples free from stress. "Can I see your manager please?"

Twat: "My manager?"

Me: "Yes. That's what I said."

Twat: "Sure!"

Me: "Thank you."

Twat: "Thank you."

2. People assume that being a lesbian equates with having a fatal disease. Observe, if you will:

Ex-Teacher: "So, are you married yet? Have a boyfriend?"

Me: "No... actually I'm a lesbian."

Ex-Teacher: "Ohhh... gosh, I'm so sorry." (sympathetic smile)

3. Anyone older than me by at least 10 years, expects ME to move off the path to make way for THEM so that THEY don't have to be the ones who step in the mud and puddles. Pick on someone your own age.

4. No matter how much you deny it, your cat owns your arse completely.

5. It doesn't matter how clinical the context, the word "penis" amuses me to no end. **insert sinister 13 year old girl laughter here** Eww!

Pardon me while I go and play out under a tree wearing nothing but metal...

updatey goodness...

2005-01-31T02:13:00.000+11:00

It has come to my attention today that I don't really follow up on the things I write about on this here blog. Quite shocking isn't it? I think so...

So perhaps I should pull my finger out and get cracking on an update of sorts. Seeing as though I am on a List Diet and all.

Puppy: The Single Parent agreed that a puppy would be okay to get. Terms and conditions are as follows:

*** If for one day I shirk my responsibilities as a puppy owner (ie; do not clean up after it, do not give it regular and fulfilling meals, wash it, love it etc) then The Single Parent shall stare at me with utter disappointment and I shall be given a metaphorical 10 lashes with a cat'o'nine tails.

*** If aforementioned puppy chews the shit out of The Single Parent's two and a half thousand dollar lounge, the owner is subject to reimburse The Single Parent for whatever damages may (and will inevitably) occur.

*** If said puppy decides to defecate on The Single Parent's feet/shoes/bed/handbag/bathmat, the owner shall promptly clean up the mess without once gagging on the smell and running to the toilet to bring up half her breakfast.

*** If the owner teaches the dog to attack The Single Parent on cue, The Single Parent is awarded the choice to divorce the owner on the grounds of GBH and intense emotional distress. (even though the owner would be quite amused by this.)

So. Now all I need to do is find a reputable Golden Retriever breeder and I am on my way to being the best mum I can be to this new addition to my family. Anyone know any good breeders around the Sydney/Wollongong area?

B... This is a complex situation that I do not have enough time to write about. All those with curious minds can ask me any questions you like about her or myself. I will tell you the fine points though:

1. She is 31
2. She lives in USA
3. She has a partner. Not just a partner, a long-term-wife-like-partner.
4. She says she is in love with me
5. We talk over the phone every night of the week.
6. Her partner knows nothing of me, and nothing of B's activities (ie; the phone calls, the letters in the mail, the email, the gifts etc)
7. I am insanely in love with her so much so that it makes me equally angered and elated
8. Nothing can becomes of us... yet still the words "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" are whispered to me daily
9. She's the only person I would ever consider giving up anything for

What are your thoughts? Let me know... I am interested in them.

(Did anyone else just feel the "help me out here with my dilemma by giving me advice and thoughts" subtext?) I did! I did! Oooh, pick me! Pick me!

*sigh* 2:09am. Not even close to being sleepy again. Isn't it weird how there are so many billions of people in this world and here I sit, with absolutely NO ONE to talk to. How can you possibly be alone with this many people populating your planet?

I guess if you build your walls right, no one is able to penetrate them; no matter how much you want to break them down yourself.

i have slipped up!

2005-01-30T14:39:00.000+11:00

Okay. Here's the deal.

During my 12 step meeting last night, this awesome woman named PurpleBeany came to sit in in the meeting. You'll never guess what she did. She smuggled in some contraband! Took me aside, all decked out in a dark cloak, a black top hat and some sunglasses, and she put this new list in my hot little hands.

I know, people, I was shocked too.

But this list... you don't understand! I just gotta have this one last hit! Just this one... and then I'll quit! I swear! I'm not addicted, I can stop anytime I want to...

1. PINK anything that's true. 2. Leave plain anything that is not true. 3. Explanatory comments in GREEN.

001. I miss somebody right now.

002. I watch more tv than I used to.

003. I love olives But not the stuffed ones.

004. I love sleeping. If it's a peaceful uniterrupted sleep.

005. I own a home.

006. I wear glasses or contact lenses. Permanently. I used to wear contacts, but I'm just too lazy to get them prescribed to me again.

007. I love to play video games.

008. I've done something illegal. Many things. Many times. Many different reasons.

009. I've watched porn movies.

010. I have been in a threesome.

011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

012. I like my handwriting. It changes with each paragraph. But very neat.

013. I have acne free skin.

014. I like and respect Al Sharpton. Umm, who?!

015. I curse frequently. I have such a dirty mouth!

016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. If by "changed" you mean "deteriorated".

017. I have a hobby.

018. I've been to another country.

019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. It's my security blanket. I feel safe knowing I have the option there.

020. I'm really, really smart. In almost every test, I score well over 85%. My IQ tests say I am well above average. Do with that information what you will... and I'll go on believing what I want to believe. lol.

021. I've never broken anyone else's bones. Self defence in a violent relationship.

022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.

023. I love rain. Especially on a really cold day.

024. I'm paranoid at times. What?! What did you just say? Stop fucking looking at me...

025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

026. I need money right now.

027. I love sushi. Only the stuff that's vegetarian.

028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.

029. I have fresh breath in the morning.

030. I have long hair.

031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.

032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. My father was a slut, I have many.

033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. In Australia.

034. I shave my legs. Yes but very infrequently. I hardly ever show my legs, so...

035. I have a twin.

037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. I will never answer a private number. I love caller ID! The greatest way to avoid someone ever!

038. I like the way that I look. Absolutely positively no to that question.

039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.

040. I know how to do cornrows.

041. I am usually pessimistic. Are you kidding me? My glass isn't even half empty, it's fucking lying broken on the floor in millions of pieces.

042. I have mood swings. Yep. Helloooooo borderline!

043. I think prostitution should be legalized. Everyone has to eat and pay the rent, right?

044. I think Britney Spears is pretty. Sure I do. Then she went all bloated and pimple faced and turned into a pot bellied real woman. Makes me respect her more.

045. I have cheated on someone.

046. I have a hidden talent. I'll never tell...

047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. This is true in my mind. It NEVER slows down. Always the analyst.

048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people.

049. I am currently single.

050. I have kissed someone of the same sex. Oh my god, does that, like, make me gay and shit?!

051. I enjoy talking on the phone.

052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

053. I love to shop.

054. I would rather shop than eat.

055. I would classify myself as ghetto. For shizzle my nizzle! Ermm... I would say I LIVE in a ghetto...

056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. Excuse me whilst I dry heave over my balcony.

057. I'm obsessed with my Diary Blog.

058. I don't hate anyone. Hate's such a simple emotion. I have my reasons.

059. I'm a pretty good dancer. Ask me to dance and I'll ask you how far you want my foot up your arse.

060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.

061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

062. I have a cell phone.

063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.

065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

067. I have never been in a real relationship before. Do several freak shows count as real relationships?

068. I've rejected someone before.

069. I currently have a crush on someone.

070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

071. I want to have children in the future. I want a whole mini-van full of the little shits.

072. I have changed a diaper before.

073. I've had the cops called on me before. When I was younger and dumber and thought it was a good idea to stand on someone's rooftop and scream out "I can fly!"

074. I bite my nails. Right down to the elbow!

075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club. The only man to act out the things people are too scared to. Yep, respect for the man.

076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly. Hmmm... am I the only one baffled by this question? If you give me something red flavoured, like a red snake lolly, I'll puff up and constrict. Fun times, those were.

077. I have a lot to learn.

078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger. Tricky question this one. I choose to answer it by saying "not in real life."

079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.

080. I am very shy around the opposite sex. I'm shy around BOTH sexes.

081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.

082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.

083. I have been rejected by someone.

084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.

085. I own the "SOUTHPARK" movie.

086. I have avoided work to play on Xanga.

087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.

088. I enjoy country music. Not the real twangy stuff, but I am partial to the odd Indigo Girls album or two... does that count?

089. I love my best friend.

090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. Hell no!

091. I occasionally watch soap operas. Nothing Americanised, a little Neighbours here and there.

092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. But only about certain things.

093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.

094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. Ergh!

095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"

096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. If I was in a country that celebrated this, I would probably agree to this statement. What could be wrong with free candy, right?

097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

098. I have dated a close friend's ex.

099. I'm happy as of this moment. Absolutely not.

100. I have gone scuba diving.

101. I've had a crush on somebody I have never met.

102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.

103. I play a musical instrument. Used to. Gave it up.

104. I strongly dislike math. No way. I love maths! All those fractions, all those algebraic equations... all those constant numbers! Gimme gimme gimme!

105. I'm procrastinating on something right now. **glances at dirty pile of washing and messy house**

106. I own and use a library card. Frequently. It's disturbing how much I love libraries.

107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."

108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks. Mmmm... cheesey goodness.

109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever. Ehhh... overrated.

110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C."

111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.

112. I am an entirely different person around different people. I have many personas to choose from.

113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.

114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world. What?

115. I am suffering of a broken heart.

116. I am a nerd. And damn proud of it.

117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely. I like it this way.

118. I am left handed and proud of it.

119. I TRY not to change who I am for someone. I try... sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

120. My heart resides below my feet. Trample trample trample...

121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with. Guilty as charged.

122. I enjoy smoothies.

123. I have had major surgery.

124. I have adopted a pet.

125. I am listening to Radiohead right now. "fake plastic tress..."

126. Some people call me by a nickname. Rissole; Lys; Oi!; Little One.

127. I once stole a music stand.

128. I like pumpkin pie.

129. I love NASCAR!

130. I own over 200 CDs Easily double that.

131. I work 7 days a week.

132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind. True... I mean, false. No it's true... maybe...

133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor. 'Sick' would be more accurate a word.

134. I'm still in my PJs. Well I slept naked last night, and I am sitting here naked... so I guess you could say these are my pyjamas. Is this unhygienic?

135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong people, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate. A world of yes.

137. I'll try anything three times.

138. Done drugs other than Alcohol or Cannabis. And in looking back, perhaps they weren't such a good idea.

139. I'm having trouble sleeping. I suffer from bad nightmares. I fear sleep, but love it when it's peaceful.

140. I am a cuddler with the right person. Very select people.

141. I love John Waters films.

142. I have made a pornographic videotape.

143. I'm a vegetarian. But not one of those preachy types. I do it for my own beliefs.

144. I am Pagan.

145. I sing WAY more than I should.

146. I really like the word : "Bazooka"

147. I Like Nuns.

148. Been made fun of so much you want to shoot yourself. High school is NOT the best years of my life...

149. I am obsessed with Wicked.

150. I am in love with sigma phi epsilon brothers!

151. I like someone who I've known for a long time.

152. I think Sirius Black should be a real person.

153. I watch Boiling Points and laugh at the people.

154. Sometimes I'm too passive. Doormat.

155. My room can't stay clean for longer than a day. Anyone suggesting 5 minutes would not be crazy.

157. I hate leaving the house without a watch on. I don't usually run on a schedule, so I don't much care for time.

158. I have a sick obsession with bean burritos. Mmmmmmmmm...

159. I own bunny slippers.

160. Band isn't just something to fill the time.

161. I would pee my pants if I did not have Chapstick on me 24/7/365. I prefer Vaseline. She's my best friend.

162. I have my own car. I steal my mums.

163. I love surprises. I hate surprises with a fiery passion. I like to know how I am going to react to something. Never surprise me.

164. I love one of my parents more than the other. My mum.

165. I over analyze everything. And I keep going till it just doesn't make sense anymore.

166. I ate cheerios for breakfast.

167. I’m in love with somebody who doesn't want a serious relationship yet. Or ever.

168. I'm with the most amazing person ever.

169. Had sex without a condom before. Sure, I'm a dyke, we don't need them. Heh.

170. I have the ability to retain my own views and beliefs while accepting other people's and not condemning them for it. I believe in "each to their own" as long as those other people can retain an open mind toward my beliefs too.

Hell yeah that felt great!

I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette now. I think I need one after that.

shrugs

2005-01-29T17:44:00.000+11:00

It appears as though I am masking my lack of creativity with these insane LISTS that just keep being filled out by yours truly. I want to argue that this is not the case; that I am overflowing with creative ideas and seldom, if ever, do I run out of things to write about (or complain about-tick as appropriate).

You have to realise, oh so appreciated readers, that these lists are simply addictive and extremely hard to shun once you have glanced over them. They reach into that bored little pocket of your mind and they tease you until you copy and paste them into your own blog.

They should have meetings for this. FOSA. Filling Out Surveys Anonymous.

Although, might I add, just because one copies and pastes, does not mean she is shunning her readers who like the juicy stuff. Oh no. Juicy gossip shall come... just as soon as I recieve the life I ordered from eBay the other night.

So, in keeping with my twelve step program at FOSA, I am apparently supposed to engage in one final affair with my copy and paste buttons. So here goes... one for the road!

(and in keeping with my daily recommendation of sarcasm and trashing teenagers with no IQ, I pulled this survey off one of their sites. It's, like, whoah, so totally, like, awesome dude!)

NAME: Melyssa.
HAIR COLOUR: Currently-black. Naturally-dark brown.
EYE COLOUR: Green.
BIRTHDAY MONTH: December.

FAV. SNACK FOOD: Freddo Frogs or Cheezles!
FAV. RESTAURANT: Anything Vietnamese or Greek.
FAV. FLOWER: Purple Iris.
FAV. COLOUR: Purple.
FAV. DRINK: Dr. Pepper or Berry Ice Powerade.
FAV. YEAR OF SCHOOL: Kindergarten because I can barely remember any of it.

WHAT BRAND DO YOU USE...
SHAMPOO: Herbal Essences Fruit Fusions.
PERFUME: J'Ador by Dior (well excuse fucking me for liking to feel posh sometimes!)
SOAP: I don't use it, I use body wash. Usually in Palmolive.
FACEWASH: St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
TOILET PAPER: Sorbent.
TOOTHPASTE: Colgate.
HAIR PRODUCTS: Does my own saliva count? No? Well then L'Oreal.

FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND:
ROSE: Thorn.
PRESIDENT: Dumbass!
SPAGHETTI: Western.
SCHOOL: Hell.
SNOW: Board.
PARTY: Decline.
SEX: Rape.
VIOLENCE: Sex.
SARAH: McLachlan.
JOHN: Toilet.
TOUCH: Slap.
SMILE: Teeth.

WHAT NATIONALITY IS YOUR MUM: Mongrel. Heh. Hi Mum!
WHAT NATIONALITY IS YOUR DAD: I prefer the term "sperm donor". He's Greek.

ARE YOU IN LOVE?: I try and fight it so much... but... yeah.
IF SO, WITH WHO?: A fantastic woman that I have no chance being with. Ever.
DO YOU PREFER BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: Politically Correct me says that it's what's on the inside that matters most... Shallow me says brunettes all the way.

RANDOMNESS:...
WHAT'S IN YOUR HANDBAG: some loose coins; furry breath mint; 9 pens, six of which no longer work; a Burger King straw; a pocket size dictionary; a lighter; numerous keys; bobby pins for my hair; a lock pick (no just kidding about that one.... but wouldn't it add a whole new dimension to me if I did?); an mp3 player; Dylan Thomas: The Poems paperback; a bottle of water...
YOUR BRA SIZE: 16DD (on a cold day)
HOW MANY BEDROOMS IN YOUR HOUSE: 3
BATHROOMS: 1
DO YOU CLEAN YOUR HOUSE: Define "clean"? Shoving things under beds with your feet... yes.
DO YOU WEAR GLASSES: Yes. I am extremely short sighted.
DO YOU WAX YOUR EYEBROWS: Refer to the "sperm donor" being Greek. Of course I do.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED: Not for anyone. Not at anytime. Not for any amount of money. The defense rests, your honour.

There we have it. Some more mindless dribble...

I hope you're all well. I hope my cat doesn't decide to use my shower floor as a litter tray again tonight. I hope I wake up without being scared by a dream. I hope John Howard chokes on his baked dinner tonight. I hope we elect me as our next Prime Minister. I hope I wake up next to a puppy. I hope I wake up next to B... I hope too much.

Ciao!

funny french things...

2005-01-27T22:49:00.000+11:00

I hate when you feel there's something important brewing in your mind, and yet, you feel like you have absolutely nothing interesting to say. To anyone.

JANUARY 2005:

I HATE:

1. When people lose something then find it and say, "trust it to be in the last place I look!" See, now, of fucking course it's in the last place you look- you aren't very well going to find it and then keep looking for it just because... are you? It's ALWAYS going to be the last place you look... there's no need to look any further than that!

2. Shaving rash. Am I the only one who gets itchy legs two days after shaving? Is it any wonder I choose to hide my legs for almost 11 and a 1/2 months out of every year, just so I don't have to shave them? Hey... I have no one to impress, these babies are gonna get fuzzy all they like.

3. Going to say a very witty and applause worthy comeback to someone, only to completely fuck it up. "Yeah... well... your mother's a wirty dhore!" You get the picture...

I LOVE:

1. Accidentally downloading the wrong song, only to end up discovering a new artist that you grow to absolutely adore! Err... not that I download music off the internet or anything... nope, not me...

2. The smell of onions on the BBQ... There's nothing better than a good Aussie BBQ!

3. When your very quiet, shy sister-in-law, who wouldn't normally say anything ruder than "damn!" kicks her shin on the coffee table and yells "Motherfucking bitch!" I tell you now, that will stay with you forever. I think I am corrupting her nicely thank you very much.

I WANT:

1. Fries with that!

2. My tattoo to be done now. It's drawn, it's ready to go... all I need is the sweet cash!

3. To stare into the mirror and not say something that makes my whole self-esteem crumble to dust.

I NEED:

1. To pay off my debts ASAP!

2. A new wardrobe (has fluro really gone out of fashion?)

3. To see my psychiatrist... and get drilled for having stopped my meds. *gulp*

I THINK:

1. 2005 is going to have some very interesting surprises for me.

2. Women who are intelligent are so damn sexy. The mind is the sexiest thing in the world... as long as you use it wisely...

3. My next-door neighbours are engaging in sexual intercourse as we speak. And, since they are French, this is very amusing to me. "Ooohhhh bébé! Oui! Oui! Ouuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

Anyway. I think I am officially out of things to say right now. Pity me... I'm barren...

I'm going to go sit on my front porch and look at the stars. And just to make it clear, I'm so not going out there to hear my neighbours say funny French things to each other... just so we're clear... you know...

Adieu!

AUSTRALIA DAY BULLSHIT!!!

2005-01-27T00:35:00.000+11:00

Well. Today was Australia Day. Yip-fucking-ee!

Don't get me wrong, I love this country. I am as patriotic as the next person. But... a whole heap of fireworks and special concerts is not going to change the fact that Australia is so far from being a perfect country.

I am pissed off. We pride ourselves on being so open and accepting to everyone. Then, a boat load of people in dire need of emergency refuge turn up... suddenly our country which bands together to sing our national anthem of "for those who've come across the seas; we've boundless plains to share..." begins to turn their noses up at them and refuse entry.

Why? I ask. Is it because these people, unlike Pres. George W. BcUntSH, are not full of money making schemes and willing to piss in our pockets so we'll fight for them? Is it because they have done nothing for our economy? Or is it because we just like to act as though we're something we aren't?

Enough of Australia Day now... today I have seen one too many children in green and gold pushing their parents around as though they own them. Fuck that. Give the little brat a kick in the kidneys and make him choke on his lollipop.

Happy Fucking Australia Day. (careful now, try not to slip over on all that sarcasm)

To make matters worse (and believe me, after the last two days I have had, this is nigh on impossible to do), I seem to be liking tennis. What's happening to me? I hate sport with a fiery passion. I cannot stand the fact that these people get paid millions of dollars to act as though they're on recess in the school playground. "Oh wow, look at me, I can hit a furry yellow ball at 192km/h." Big fucking deal. I can strategically shove a toothpick between every one of my teeth, but you don't see me getting sponsored by Adidas for being good at something.

Okay, so clearly I am overdramatising this right now... but hey... it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

19 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Sit down and listen to my entire CD collection without having a break.
2. Publish my own book.
3. Burn down a building.
4. Visit every person I know and tell them what I REALLY think of them.
5. Go to U.S.A
6. Own a cow.
7. Make my own rocking chair.
8. Meet Sarah McLachlan (and slip her some magic ''potion'' so she'll help me to achieve points 12 & 13)
9. Learn to play the drums.
10. Own a real pair of handcuffs.
11. Have a baby.
12. Have sex with someone famous.
13. Become famous for having had sex with said famous person.
14. Eat 12 chocolate covered donuts in one sitting with a glass of ice cold milk.
15. Turn up to work in my pyjamas.
16. Kiss B...
17. Love myself.
18. Put a leash around my neck,chain myself outside a shop, get down on all fours and act like a dog to people that walk by.
19. Have my very own fan.

There we have it.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I'm about to go and try to accomplish task No. 3... What can I say? I'm, bored!

Hooroo arseholes!

wounded...

2005-01-26T01:26:00.000+11:00

mu-ti-late

mutilate- to disfigure by damaging irreparably; to make imperfect by excising or altering parts...

I like to categorise my days. There are three ways in which I do this.

1. Content in Misery Day

2. Weakened by Misery Day, and,

3. Emergency! Misery! Day.

Content in misery days are those which others would probably call a good day. For me, there are no good days, only days in which I don't quite want to punish myself for something pleasant that may have occured.

Weakened by misery days are usually those in which something bad has happened and I want to crawl into a black hole and cry about it. Those days are hard ones, yet they occur more than the other two combined.

Emergency misery days are those which, when occuring, make me want to not only curl into foetal position and wish away my existence, but also make me want to hurt myself in some nasty, bloody way. This is not to be confused with suicide. During these days, I feel as though I am spinning round and round really fast, a blindfold on, earplugs in, my tongue cut out... and I want to vomit up every thought in my mind.

Today was an Emergency day!

It's extremely hard to explain to someone why you practice Self-Harm. They seem to mix it up with suicide. But it's completely different.

For example... One who wants to commit suicide would do it, or try to do it, instantaneously. They would not want to go through the added pain of dragging a blade across their forearm and bleeding profusely. There would be no point, as pretty soon they'd be dead. Right?

No. Self-Harm is different. When I do it (I cannot speak for others out there) it is my way of justifying my pain. My way of punishing myself for something I have screwed up, and sometimes, my way of punishing myself for something someone else has done to me.

Because I always deserve it.

I have been through some unspeakable things in my lifetime, most of which I remember every single minute of every single day. Things like repeated rape instances, knife wounds in unbearable places, mental and physical torture day in day out for an extended period of time.
All my pain is on the inside of me. All my unseen demons that passers-by would not even begin to guess I have. To the average onlooker, I am just a typical 21 year old girl with the pressure of responsibility and looming adulthood.

When I cut myself, deeply, it is an extension of my pain. I feel like if I make a wound, it is evidence that I am in pain, that I HAVE pain in my life. I crush my demons by bleeding them out of my body and scarring me so that I never forget I am still alive after having been subjected to all that I have.

People don't seem to understand it is not just something one can "quit" so easily. Self-Harm is an absolute addiction for me. I wake up, and my very first thought is "When can I have an hour on my own today to cut myself?" or "Should I use a razor or a knife? Maybe I should try something different, go a little deeper..." I often have day dreams in which all I can see is blood on my arms and legs. I replay what it's like over and over until I get so consumed by it that it's all I want to do, and all I can run home to do that instant.

I grab my razor/knife. Sometimes I like to vary. Usually it's a razor blade. Simply because I am a germphobic person and I like to use something clean and new each time I do it.

I put music on. Because music soothes even the savage beast. It's my way of not only putting myself in a meditative place, but giving myself the chance to back out should I feel inclined to do so. If the music lifts my mood, I go no further than crying and then sleeping it away. But if nothing changes after the first song on the CD has completed... my journey continues...

It's a ritual.

I sit myself down, usually on the floor in front of my bed. I cross my legs, place a pillow atop my lap, and throw an old towel over the top of said pillow. I grab the razor in my hand and look at it. No, not look... study. I study the razor closely. The way it shines in whatever dim lighting I have going... The way it looks pretty harmless and innocent... The way it feels so cold then so warm between my fingers... The way it tempts me with its promises of a quick release...

Then I study whichever part of my body I feel like cutting into. So... I look at my forearm. I turn it over, then back, then over again. I remember what each and every scar was about. I see the remains of my last set of stitches. Tiny pink dots lining a thick and painful raised red scar. I see older scars that have begun to fade, but are never going to completely go away.

I find a place that looks untouched, virginal. And I lightly stroke the razor over it. It's sensual, it's a flirting tease between skin and razor. It is at this time that I begin to feel numb. Whilst the aforementioned are seducing each other, my mind is racing with all the thoughts of why I deserve this. The voices in my mind replaying over and over just how worthless and pointless my whole life is. Of course, these voices are solely my own inner conscience, not the voices of some dark shadowy figure, or a blue elephant- no, it's only me speaking inside this head...

I take a deep breath... then exhale... then I look toward the virginal flesh displayed openly before me. I place the tip of the razor against it, and push down. It breaks the skin... it stabs inside my flesh and waits for my command. I push down that little bit harder and I pull the razor blade toward me. All the while, pushing deeper as the wound becomes longer.

I don't know how many of you have experienced seeing this first hand but... there's this insanely quiet time once a wound like this is cut, where the flesh is open, but there is no blood just yet. This lasts probably all of three seconds, but to me, seems like an eternity. You watch the skin seperate and leave a hollow ridge in your now open skin. The inside is pale and silent... then tiny little specks of blood start to appear in the walls of this new wound. They become bigger specks and more frequent. Then the next thing you know, this ridge is now filled with a river of blood.

Those quiet three seconds are the most important seconds in my life... it's a culmination of peace and the realisation of my actions...

I place the razor down beside me. I do not look away at all during any of this. I watch the blood intensely. I see it overflow and begin to spill onto my old scarred flesh. It starts to drip now, I watch it hit the towel beneath me and I think about the fact that, no matter how many times I have done this, or seen this, it still fascinates me to watch it. Blood. My blood. This is my life source spilling out of me this very second, and I do not want it back inside me. I do not miss it like an old friend. I do not care for it like a tender flower. I do not love it like it's a part of me.
I do not wipe away the blood, nor do I try to stop it from flowing.

I sit, immersed in my now quiet mind. In these moments, I am not useless... I am free... Nothing can hurt me, because I have hurt myself. Nothing seems important, because I am bleeding... Nothing overwhelms me, because I am inspired by this, this clarity inside me...

I won't go any further than that. I think I have already said enough... or perhaps even too much...

It seems rather poetic when written like this; but when observed in reality, one would see a broken withered woman on her bedroom floor, screaming inside and outside for someone to come along and help her. One would see a bleeding soul that needs healing. A woman who has no concept of dealing with problems rationally... because everything seems too out of proportion in her mind.

It's not poetic. It's ghastly and scary and sometimes down right revolting. Seeing someone slice into their pale, clammy flesh for what seems like no apparent reason, is repugnant.

But it's an addiction. It's a coping mechanism...

What's more abhorrent, is the thought of what would happen if this aching woman didn't have any coping mechanism whatsoever... What would she do to quiet her mind?

Disgust for yourself breeds hate for yourself. It's a perpetual cycle of self-hatred and yet, it's a way to feel self-loved...

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever win this war...

And sometimes I wonder if I should even bother trying...

crossing everything...

2005-01-24T10:13:00.000+11:00

Today is the day I am to convince The Single Parent that it is indeed a good idea for me to get a puppy.

In high school, I was on the debating team. A damn good one at that. And, I always went as third speaker, usually we ended up on the negative team, which was great, because then I got to rebut all the other people who'd spoken before me. Then, in full, summarised the entire debate with some convincing arguements.

Each word the affirmative side spoke, I had a card with instant rebuttal written down. A mental Post-It would stick itself to the notice board in my mind every second. And I would stand, with pride, and win our medal.

Today I am going head to head with the most dangerous of all debating teams. The Mother.

Now, usually this creature would not be so hard to argue against. Alas, she has an advantage over me; if I don't somewhat agree with her final decision, then tough shit for me. There's no amount of arguing to do with her, because it is, after all, her house.

So all I can do is try my hardest to win this quest. Getting permission to own a dog is like touching upon the Holy Grail for me. I have had dreams about this, and my hopes are very high.

If the answer is a negative, all my hopes and dreams shall be crushed in that one word. "No."

No?

No?

Hell, no one says no to me anymore. Well at least, not without a good fucking debate first.

I am ready to begin now. My palm cards are blank, my ink is full. Bring it on.

"Good morning adjudicator, opposing team, ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls..."

Bugger. I think I'm getting stage fright...

Wish me luck!

lying...

2005-01-23T01:05:00.000+11:00

Note to self:

The truth only ever hurts you if you're a liar to begin with...

Post Script to self:

Stop lying and you won't be hurt...

"...and now I see what I really am... a thief... a whore... and a liar..." ~Amy Lee

excitement...

2005-01-22T15:08:00.000+11:00

Another day closer to the beginning of my studying...

I'm so excited I want to repeatedly bash in my skull with a meat mallet...

**wipes dripping sarcasm from screen**

Can't talk- haemorrhaging...

Bleeerrrrrrrghhbhghghg!

Three Things...

2005-01-22T02:03:00.000+11:00

Hmmm... I found this on someone elses blog page. Thanks, whomever you are. I stole this without permission. Sue me all you want, I ain't worth shite!

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
~inspiredfairy
~Chamomilemum23
~rainbowamazonwarrior

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
~My ability to argue the opposite of anyone's opinion, even if I don't believe what I am saying...
~My eyes
~My eclectic taste in music

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
~My need to turn everything into a negative
~My use of sarcasm at inappropriate times
~My inability to just say no

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
~Clowns
~Phil Collins
~The dark

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
~Shower
~Music
~Meditation

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
~Pink boxer shorts with polka dots on them
~Black lace bra
~A half smile

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS
~Marilyn Manson
~Evanescence
~My Ruin

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
~I Put A Spell On You- Marilyn Manson
~Thoughtless- Evanescence (Korn cover)
~Save My Soul- Alex Lloyd

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
~Saving money
~Play the drums
~Not having my heart broken

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
~Laughter
~No violence
~Committment

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (you figure out which is which):
~I eat lemons like oranges
~I own a Britney Spears record
~I belong to a religious cult

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
(considering I am a lesbian, I shall substitute this and pretend it says "same sex")
~Intelligence
~Senseof humour (quick wit)
~Lips

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
~Be in the same room as a clown
~Vote Liberals into g'ment
~Watch a game of golf

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
~Filling out pointless surveys
~Cleaning my feet free of germs
~Sitting in rainforests and meditating

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
~Get a tattoo
~Be in San Francisco
~Go to the toilet

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
~Nurse
~Photographer
~Assassin

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
~San Francisco
~Germany
~Ireland

THREE KID'S NAMES:
~Xander
~Francys
~Dylan

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
~Have a baby
~Travel to said destinations above
~Be in a band

THREE INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE:
~My brother
~Sarah McLachlan
~B...

THREE OF MY FAVOURITE "NAUGHTY" FOODS:
~Mexican
~Freddo Frogs (especially the strawberry ones)
~Cheese

THREE OF MY FAVOURITE PLACES:
~My Shower
~Robina in Queensland
~Mosh pit

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BOOKS:
~Tully
~Not Without My Daughter
~Dictionary

THREE MOVIES YOU HAVE WATCHED RECENTLY:
~Big
~Me, Myself and Irene
~Charlie's Angels 2

AND FINALLY THREE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS
~B...
~Francys-Ruby
~Mary-Jayne

And so it is 2:05am... I'm going to go to bed now and not sleep a wink.

G'night...

makes me wonder...

2005-01-21T18:54:00.000+11:00

Oh woe is me... *dramatic eye roll* *hand to forehead* *clenched fist over heart*

I wonder what possesses (is it just me or is that word made up of way too many 'S's?) people to think they have the right to comment on your personal life, simply because the subject, to them, seems mighty taboo?

eg; I was walking through my grocery store today. Not a supermarket of sorts, a smaller independant shop I frequent simply because they stock a brand of Soy milk that no one else seems to have heard of. The deranged lunatic at the counter says to me, "Why do you have a rainbow flag sewn to your pants?"

Stupid, silly, oh-most-wondrous-dickheaded me says, "It's a gay pride flag."

Mistake number one. Never let psychotic, pimple faced, teenage boys with lesbian porn fantasies know you're a dyke when you're all alone in said shop.

"Oh... you're a rug muncher huh? Like to eat the pussy? Fond of licking the carpet huh? You're one for the-"

"Please stop talking to me now," I say politely and somewhat embarrassed.

"Hey Adam!" he yells to the open staff door at the other end of the shop, just as another customer enters the shop, "this chick's a lesbo! A real life lesbo! Get out here!"

"Oh, man!" I'm guessing it's Adam yelling back his reply.

I look apologetically (although I don't know why) toward the new customer as she starts perusing the lolly shelves.

Adam, a man in his mid-thirties, wearing a shirt with the words "Got Playstation?" emblazoned across his chest, stands behind the counter next to Pimple Boy, a shit eating grin plastered across his face. He looks me up and down without any shame, and states matter-of-factly "I'd like a piece of that arse!"

Cue music from 'Psycho'.

"Can I just pay for these things and go? I'm in a rush." I say, looking toward Newest Customer with a glint in my eye that states, 'call the police if he moves form behind the counter'.

"Gotta get back to your lesbian lover, huh? Some hot sex waiting for you at home, huh? Huh? Huh?" And get this, as he says it, Pimple Boy actually wiggles his eyebrows! Creep!

So I look to the cash register where my subtotal is now displayed, and it says $12.35. So I grab $15 from my wallet, push it toward them and say, "Nobody likes a fuckwit!" and walk out of there.

I was seething, to say the least.

So on my drive home, I thought about what the old me would have done- you know, before I got all subdued and aware of karma. The odl me would have jumped the counter, grabbed them both simultaneously and rammed my Doc Marten right up their arses, not satisfied till my toes were hanging out their mouths.

But oh no. No, my friends... that was the old me.

The new me got home, placed her groceries away in their designated shelves and picked up the phone. I dialled 8 numbers, all the while feeling that burning sensation of mischief well up inside me.

"(enter name of suburb that shall remain nameless) Police Station, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to report a shop where I know they're selling drugs to kids..."

Cue the song "Hallelujah!".

*sigh* Sometimes I just want to smile and give myself a standing ovation...

No... no really, you're too much.. sit down! Oh, do sit down! No really... thank you... thank you all...

life as I know it...

2005-01-21T01:20:00.000+11:00

Life as I know it is over... thank fuck!

My life shall begin on the 9th of February when I start at TAFE. It's only Wednesday, Thursday and Friday 8:30am to 4:30pm... but hey, it beats the shit out of sitting on my ever size-increasing arse and doing nothing productive. Hey, I love the internet as much as the next nerd, but enough is enough sometimes, you know?

There's only so many times you can discover a new website to become involved in or addicted to.

I think I have exhausted every avenue now.

Time to get a life!

I'm really scared of starting my studies again. Not scared of the work load or the actual work involved, I am scared of meeting new people. Having to become familiar with unfamilar people is the worst thing to do for me. I like to enter unnoticed, sit in the back corner and immerse myself in my work. I don't study to socialise. No. I study to learn and then hopefully get a job at the end of it all.

I've never been someone who sits with a group of friends and sees someone like me walk in and keep to themselves up the back of the classroom. Are you one of these people? If so... what do you think of people like me? What can I do to ease the pressure of conformity a little?

And then it's a case of whether or not I hide my many horrible scars that adorn my arms from the wrist up. Is that a little too much for people during first impressions? How long do first impressions last?

Maybe I should show my scars... that way people will make assumptions about me, like that if they look me in the eye I will stab them to death with my newly sharpened HB pencil... then they won't want to make friends with me, and I'll get to avoid the sticky situation of making new friends.

I don't want any new friends thank you very much. I am happy with the ones I have now, and even though they're stuffed animals, I am sure they feel the same way about me too.

But I just know that the second someone comes up to me and says hello, I'll be very nice to them and laugh and carry on and act as though I am comfortable with them invading my personal space. Which I'm so not. Then I'll end up being friends with these people, maybe even have lunch everyday and discuss things like the proper technique used to shave your legs without cutting them. Or I'll end up giving them advice on their love lives. And more than likely, if it's an episode like highschool... I'll end up doing their assignments for them whilst they go out and booze it up.

I'm so fucking sweet it makes me sick.

So I vow right now, NOT TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS!

I'll keep you posted on my cold shoulder technique when TAFE starts up.

By the way... does anyone have a cure for insomnia? **yawns**

i just took this test...

2005-01-20T19:44:00.000+11:00

I just took this test to see what type of intelligance I have... go figure..

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Look out world... I'm armed with words... and I'm not afraid to intonate them...

Biteth me...

guffaw!

2005-01-20T18:55:00.000+11:00

Well well well...

It occurs to me that this facade I am trying so deperately to cling to, is beginning to fade away from me. I shall be exposed soon. I mean truly exposed. Naked. To. The. Core. Exposed.

Scary.

Why can't I just show people the different side to me. The one that's not so negative about everything. The hopeless romantic in me. The side of me that actually gives a shit about the world?

Why? Because it's so much easier to deal with the irresponsibilities of someone hating you, than to deal with the responsibilities of someone admiring and liking you.

It's all to do with pressure.

I have nothing new to say. Everything has been said before. I am no more unique than the next person...

Pardon? What did you say...?

Oh. Yes. I am unoriginal... I know that...

... but you're oil and I'm acrylic...

... bitch...

A lack of pain... a lack of hope... a lack of anything to say... ~Marilyn Manson

oh really?

2005-01-20T02:15:00.000+11:00

2:17am... sleep seems like a very long way away... Oh sweet sleep, how I miss you in my life...

I'm listening to Love Song dedications on the radio right now. Fucking hell it's depressing the shit out of me. Not because I want love, but because my cynical approach to the world is telling me that these people dedicating songs to their lovers will soon be getting their name's tattoo-removed off their butts when they break each others hearts. **coughcoughISSUEScoughcough**

People always say to me, "Don't be so silly... EVERYONE wants someone to be with!"

You know what? NOT EVERYONE DOES!!!

Yeah, that's right kiddies. Some people prefer to live alone, sleep alone, die alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to project this hermit like creature of the night image, or some other hard-done-by gothic image. No siree. I'm not like that. I just prefer my own company.

I think it's absurd to share your life completely with someone. Sure, selfless acts ought to be commended anytime... but is it truly selflessness that gets us through a relationship?

I mean... trust is supposed to be such an important issue, yet no one seems to abide by it. And forgiveness is also supposed to be another key point in lives of decent citizens of this bleak world. So, why then, is there a need for trust in our relationships, if we all have forgiveness? Break the trust and all is forgiven. Why? "Because I love her/him..."

Bullshit.

Shit from a bulls arse.

I don't believe there is someone for everyone. And if there is, it will never be your ideal... so why settle for second best?

I guess I don't understand people that live in fear of being alone. I cannot understand the need for such intense co-dependancy in relationships. For god's sake, get your own opinions!

But anyway... what would I know? I'm nothing but a repelling odor, in the guise of a fat girl with too much time on her hands...

blog whore...

2005-01-19T22:48:00.000+11:00

Another fucking day as me...

My first post. I was saving this for a day that I felt happy and content to be me. Turns out, I've been waiting 21 years for that day and I haven't yet come across it. So today is the day I start this blog. I am now a blog whore...

Today was a boring day. I get so sick of doing nothing, the second I think of something exciting and new to do, I talk myself out of it. Why? I don't know... old habits die hard I guess.

three things I wish for right now;

1. I wish I was happy within myself...

2. I wish I could be someone people are fascinated by and immensely interested in...

3. I wish B was with me in real life...

So... dreaming again. Shoot me in the fucking head now please. Dreaming about these things will not make me get off my arse and achieve them. Although, none of them seem attainable right now. One for sure.

**uses all her inner thought power to send out messages** B, if you're listening... please come and save me. Save me from myself. I love you...

You know what else? I am sick of being a cliche and sick of being such a self-loathing person. It does nothing for a girls complexion anyway.

So today I got a compliment on my eyes. A woman at the grocery store that I frequent said to me, "You have the most beautiful eyes I think I've ever seen..." Now, usually, the second someone even remotely hints to me that they think I am beautiful/sweet/kind/any other nice descriptive word like that- I run for the hills and hate myself for it. Don't ask me why, but I've always had this overwhelming urge to punish myself for others kind gestures toward me. Go figure.

What makes this encounter different to all the others, is that my response was; "Fuuuck yeah!" I actually felt touched that she would say something so random and genuine to me like that. She thought my eyes were beautiful. Nice to know. Thank you, Judy.

*flutters eyelashes* I now have eye confidence. Pity about the rest of the body though. But hey... one needs to feel good about their eyes too right? It's a start anyway.

I'm beginning to think that the world has forgotten about the important issues... Like inventing a new milk flavour; thinking up a way to cram more M&Ms in the bag for your value; inventing scratch free forever CD's; making a hair dye that only stains your hair and not your skin; a full meal crammed into a shot glass drink substitute for when you don't have time or cannot be bothered to eat. You know... the important things in life.

But noooo... instead we have Prince Harry adorning our newspaper front pages because he wore a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party. Now he has to make public apologies for it. Fuck that! I'd be sticking to my guns if I were him. First, he gets cheated out of running the country simply because his older brother was born first. Then he has to apologise for going to a fancy dress party in... wait for it... fancy dress! Shudder fucking gasp! Who gives a kinkers tuss?!?! Not fucking me thats for sure.

Nobody makes the Queen do public apologies for all the times she nods off to sleep during a visit to some boring launch of a new building.

I swear to God, the world we live in does not get any freer or less patriarchal. We think we make progress, but all we do is stay in the dark ages with our archaic ways... the only thing that changes is our dress sense. And might I add... fashion these days is what's killing the kids.

No really... I mean what's with buying jeans that look as though they've been worn by a mechanic everyday for the last forty years of his career?! They pay hundreds of dollars for something I could design in my backyard using dog shit and sandpaper.

Okay... stick a fork in me- I'm done!

Hmmmmmm...